Now that gives you a bit about the disorder and what it entails. I did mention briefly in the video that I have been diagnosed with PTSD.
I haven't told many people about this because I feel extremely guilty about having PTSD. I never went to war, and I have guilt over that as well. For me I have difficulty accepting that I am a veteran because I never saw war. It doesn't help when hard core service men and women also flat out tell you that you are not a real soldier unless you deploy. So this adds to the weight that I feel.
Not only do I feel guilty about having the PTSD, on top of the guilt felt for not going down range, my form of PTSD is a bit odd because my brain will not only remember my training, but then start adding in additional dangers.
My PTSD is associated with my initial military training (Basic Training). While many of you are thinking that it's no big deal it was to me. I treated ever scenario and training session as if my life, and the lives of my fellow soldiers were on the line. That is a very traumatic ordeal to go through for someone who had been sheltered her entire life from the negatives and ugly side of the world.
I went from the magic of dancing with fairies, riding unicorns in rainbows, and trying to find mermaids in the ocean to being taught how to take that magic light and sparkle out of someone else's eyes. And while many of you may think that sounds dramatic that is exactly how it felt for me, and how it is.
I am currently going through therapy to alleviate this situation, and the flashbacks that I have. I have gotten better, I am at least able to watch movies that are military related now. True I practically cry through the whole thing but it is getting better, I am able to cry through it instead of trying to grasp for a weapon I no longer carry as protection.
I am not writing this for you to feel sorry for me or for you to give me sympathy. I am writing to let you know why sometimes I'm away for undetermined amounts of time. I'm writing as a way to no longer be ashamed of the hidden wounds people never see. Above all, I am writing because I want people to understand that this can happen to anyone, and a reminder to treat others as you would want to be treated. We do not know what trials another has had to endure, or what demons they battle.
Please be good to one another. And if you need help, please seek it, DO NOT feel ashamed of what you are struggling with.
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Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Among Veterans (Infographic). Digital image. LiveScience.com. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, Deparment of Defense, 2013. Web. 19 Feb. 2013.
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